Friendships forged at The Abbey can last a lifetime. We love to hear of alumnae standing beside one another as bridesmaids, sharing holidays, celebrating milestones and supporting one another through life’s challenges. The Abbey leaves you with a shared history that can shape lives in meaningful and unexpected ways.

As alumna Tommy Brydges says, “You never know how your childhood friendships could be so important in the future” – and Tommy knows. One of her best friends from school went on to be her surrogate.

Tommy Brydges (nee Lee) and Jo Roper (nee Robbins) were in the class of 2004 and want to share their amazing story of how a great friendship born at The Abbey enabled the birth of Tommy’s daughter, Phoebe!

They hope that the joy their story brings will inspire those who hear it. So let’s go right back to the beginning…

Tommy and Jo met on their first day at The Abbey. Both in Miss Bright’s form group, they were in slightly different friendship groups for a while. They were always friends, but it was in sixth form that they became really close. As Jo recalls they started having, “Loads of chats and sleepovers constantly.” Their “spot” was upstairs on seats by their form room and they could also often be found in the music practice rooms. Jo explains, “we were quite musical and in the choir and orchestra.”

Tommy reminisced that, “There was always so much going on at the school and all of us were quite giving in that way. We all wanted to be part of things, we enjoyed being part of teams which often involved in the House system. House plays, music and sport – we were really into that and we’d also always do the House reading and drama.” Despite being in different houses, Jo in Kensington and Tommy in Paget, Tommy says, “everyone was really supportive of everyone else, it was just a lot of fun.”

After leaving The Abbey they both went to Birmingham University. It wasn’t planned but where they both independently chose to go. Tommy was there first studying Geography and Jo joined a year later. She had taken a gap year in which she worked on a hospital ship run by Mercy Ships before starting her course in medicine.

During the year apart they were still close, meeting up and exchanging lots of emails. Once Jo joined Tommy in Birmingham they’d socialise in each other’s houses and Tommy described it as, “like having a bit of home with you. There are so many emotions that come with University and I think we actually connected a lot more. It was a bit of home from home because when we caught up we’d always chat about our home friends as well as our current uni friends and it was clear we had a lot of backstory. Obviously we’d then see each other back in the Reading area as well.”

After University? Jo stayed in Birmingham to practise medicine and got married in 2010 to Mark. Tommy decided to become a teacher and went to Bath University to complete a PGCE degree before coming back to Oxfordshire to teach. Despite Jo moving to London, and now living in Manchester, they kept seeing each other regularly. They were even bridesmaids at each other’s weddings – alongside other friends from The Abbey!

Then came 2015.

Jo was pregnant with twins and the friends were reunited again at the hen party of fellow Abbey alumnae Charlie Rogers. Jo explained that while they were together the subject of smear tests came up, “and I said you had to get one because you were 29.”

Tommy clearly took on board Jo’s advice and booked in for a routine smear test. Then things happened fast. She explained that, “very quickly I got a phone call saying that you need to come and see someone urgently. They said that something needs investigating and it’s cancerous.” Tommy then had her “harsh” options explained to her. Meeting up with a friend she confessed that, “I didn’t really know what to do and she advised me to get rid of the whole lot, the cervix, the womb, everything. I agreed, I think she was right, and within four weeks it was done. They call it a radical hysterectomy.”

Tommy continued, “In some ways I think I was quite lucky, I wasn’t ill, I didn’t ever have any symptoms but I knew this had to go and they removed some lymph nodes from my stomach as well. I had amazing treatment from the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford and it was a bit of a blur if I’m honest.” After the eight-hour operation Tommy was given a lot of leaflets and videos about her options in terms of children but, “I just couldn’t concentrate on anything, I couldn’t even read a magazine.”

She shared what had happened with a select group and “was very determined to get on with life. I wasn’t yet 30 and I did think what is going to to happen to me, but I am a positive person.”

Jo remembers finding out that Tommy had been called in to have an urgent MRI and – with her knowledge as a specialist in obstetrics and gynaecology – she knew what Tommy could be about to face. She says, “I felt like it was such a weird time because I knew Tommy was going through so much and I had baby twins. I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t leave the house let alone come and see her or look after her.” However, a seed planted in her thoughts about how she could help in the future.

It was in 2015 that Jo started talking to her husband about the possibility of being a surrogate for Tommy. Jo explains, “Mark and I had discussed it together and it sat in the background for a while. I basically felt that I didn’t want to offer something that’s not possible.”

Infertility is something very close to Jo’s heart, “My parents had a really long struggle to have children. They were told they wouldn’t be able to have children and then five years later they had me and then,amazingly, my brother. So I’ve always grown up with this awareness that there are people who really struggle and then partly because of my job it’s always been something that I thought about. My husband is a vicar and I actually run a course for couples facing infertility as a support for them (which you can read more about here). Infertility is something that is a huge thing in my heart.”

Tommy met Jon, who is now her husband, in the spring of 2016. Tommy explains, “that was really positive but I was really conscious that, only just turning 30, quite quickly I would have to tell him, by the way, I can’t have children. That was really playing on my mind. But, he was really accepting and I think I just moved through life as though this might not happen and that is okay. The phrase ‘be happy with your lot’ – I was, in terms of friendship, family, job, everything was good. Then it was in 2018 where a delightful little bombshell was dropped in a card.”

Tommy continues, “I got engaged in the summer of 2018 and we got a few cards through the post. I opened one of them and I was like ‘oh my gosh there’s so much writing in here!’ I saw it was from Jo – I still remember some of the words – she said that she felt 2015 was such a difficult year. I was going through sadness while she was bringing life to the world and she felt like she wanted to give something back. She explained that her and Mark had discussed it for a long time, had really thought about it, and offered surrogacy. It just blew my mind!”

Jo explains, “I didn’t want it to be a face-to-face conversation to start with. I wanted it to be something that Tommy could just have and talk to Jon about, have a bit of time to process before she had to have a reaction.”

This gave Tommy a chance to explore surrogacy, “I read so much about it, we did our research and a few things I remember was that Jo and Mark had to be totally on board – and that was very important to me – that Jo and Mark together were happy. Also, they say that to be a surrogate you need to have completed your family first.”

Jo and Mark came to visit Tommy and Jon to talk things through. Jo was honest that, “we had the twins but we knew that we wanted another baby.” Tommy was completely understanding, she was getting married in October 2019, trying to move house, “there was a lot of life stuff happening anyway so we were fine, it wasn’t an issue.”

Then Jo got pregnant and Lucy was born September 2020. Jo says, “it was kind of straight after that I was like let’s get on with it!” and their surrogacy journey truly began.

Tommy recollects, “I remember visiting quite a lot during the lockdown time. We’d take Lucy out in the buggy, have nice lunches and really talk about things and look at surrogacy paperwork together. It was quite rapidly after that that we decided – let’s do it!”

In March 2021 Tommy began IVF treatment. She explains, “we made the embryos and then we had to have genetic testing, counselling individually, as couples and then as a four – there were a lot of processes to work through including legal work.”

Jo picks up, “I had some medical tests which quite rightly – and I know this from my job – picked up that I wasn’t the perfect specimen for a surrogate. But, I was absolutely determined, I knew all the risks and I was going to do it anyway. So, I had to speak to the medical director of the fertility hospital to say this is going to happen and he agreed. That all took a year.”

Their first attempt to get pregnant didn’t work. Tommy reflected, “obviously that was always going to be emotional but Jo was amazing and adamant that we’ll keep going until this happens” – and the second time it did!

So how did it feel when Tommy found out? “Life changing.”

Throughout the pregnancy Tommy explains that she “felt very close to it because we were messaging every day. I felt such a part of it as Jo told me everything that she was feeling. I was really grateful, and I also felt guilty many, many times because obviously if she was feeling a bit rubbish one day, that was hard. She was really inclusive and that made me feel special. We were best friends and I went to as many appointments as possible. We did everything together and I was so grateful for that.”

Speaking honestly, Tommy continued, “I guess the whole thing about how do you feel because someone else is carrying your baby – it never felt weird to me. I knew that was a possibility, but honestly, it just never did. It just felt like the most natural thing for us to be in that kind of partnership. It was a very exciting period.”

So what was the pregnancy journey like for Jo? “It just felt like we’d anticipated most things and it was pretty much as I imagined. I think once I had Lucy, I knew I was done. I didn’t know quite how firm that would feel but I absolutely knew that I did not want any more of my own children and I think that really helped. I was obviously completely invested, but not particularly maternal towards Phoebe. I was carrying her but felt that this is 100% Tommy and Jon’s baby and I cannot wait to give it to them. So it just felt really normal and I think, again probably because of my job you see pregnancy differently, it felt like I was carrying this present for them. I feel that God gave me the grace to do this whole thing.”

They knew that the birth was going to be a Caesarean. Tommy recalls, “there were going to be quite a lot of people in there and the hospital were so accepting of the situation. Jon and I were there and they were very gracious and said what an amazing story. They explained there may be a small possibility we can’t be in there but they’d try and make sure one of us can be if not both – they were really trying to make it work and they did! Both of us went in and watched it all happen. It was the most incredible thing!”

Phoebe’s gender was a surprise to Tommy – but not Jo, “we wanted a surprise but because of Jo’s job – and she didn’t tell me this until afterwards – she knew all along! They passed me Phoebe straight away and the first thing I wanted to do was show Jo and they said ‘oh it’s a girl’ and Jo I said ‘I know!’”

Jo says, “I couldn’t help it! It was obvious on the scans but I didn’t tell anyone else – even Mark.”

Phoebe will be three in February and Tommy’s face lights up as she talks about her, “She is gorgeous. I know you’re biased because they are your child but I just think she’s the most perfect thing! She came out sucking her thumb and she still does that. I remember Jo saying that she’d been listening to lots of classical music during the pregnancy and Phoebe and I listen to a lot of music – music’s often on in the house all day. She is an absolute firecracker – she’s so chatty, so bossy and she loves to make up stories – her language is incredible. She’s just amazing and I had the best year of my life on my maternity leave. I would give anything to be in that year again but I remember Jo saying to me that it gets even better – and it absolutely does! It gets better and better and she’s my world.”

With Jo now living in Manchester and Tommy in Oxfordshire it’s tricky to meet up but Jo says, “we’re in contact all the time so lots of photos and messages. I know there is a special connection but I feel very similarly about Phoebe as I would like about my other friends’ children. I know she’s special but I try and explain it as ‘special but it’s not weird.”

Tommy picks up, “Yes, that is a takeaway from all this. I’m not naive enough to think it couldn’t have been – but it hasn’t. It’s totally not weird. We set up a WhatsApp group that the four adults are in called ‘Team Phoebe’, because we were a team, and that’s where we share little anecdotes.”

Jo’s family have been amazing throughout the whole experience. Jo and Mark did groundwork on how to explain it to their twins, Sam and Grace. Jo explains, “we started with how babies are made normally and then I’ve got this really good book that talks about all different ways babies can be made and how they can be born, be born early and all sorts of things. So they saw that and because they know that I run a course for couples who struggle to have babies, it all led quite easily into explaining that Tommy and Jon are not able to carry a baby, so mummy is going to carry one for them. When I was pregnant they knew that it was Tommy and Jon’s baby and they just accepted that.”

Since the move to Manchester Jo thinks that they understand it more and how interesting it is, “my daughter Grace would just bring it up and once we met some new people in a park and we were chatting and she said that mummy had her friend’s baby! Now they understand that it’s not a common thing and that it’s interesting to talk about. Lucy occasionally brings things up, and she knows that I was pregnant, but I don’t think she’s quite worked out the connection of how that works out but she will at some point.”

So has it changed their friendship? Tommy says, “it was always solid but now it’s super special” and Jo follows up, “I would say it hasn’t changed the friendship, it’s just made it stronger. We just know each other even better.”

It’s impossible not to feel moved as Tommy says that the friendship means “the world” to her, “if this friendship didn’t exist, my life would be immeasurably different and I can’t tell you what that would look like.”

We are so delighted that Tommy and Jo wanted to share their inspirational story with us. We hope it’s brought you joy and reinforced the importance, and impact, that friendships made here at the Abbey can truly have.